God has assured me you are targeted.

A few months back, I decided to contact a televangelist – or, perhaps more realistically, probably someone in a mailroom –  via his website. I had seen a particularly ludicrous banner ad displayed on Google, and it seemed fascinating in all the most awful ways. The website it linked to was poorly designed and comprised of semi-coherent promises of abundant wealth and assistance in defeating Satan. This, it has to be admitted, is right up my alley, because if there’s anything that piques my interest, it’s defeating Satan. I submitted my address, adopting the pseudonym Aleister Crowley (I thought the likelihood of someone on the other end being familiar with English occultists was slim), and waited for a reply. Following are the items I’ve received so far.

"What Satan meant for evil, God will turn into good."

VERY IMPORTANT!

911 SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF MONEY

Emergency Hotline to Heaven

Mustard seeds and "Jerusalem soil."

BUT THE DEVIL IS A LIAR

$1002.00

A double portion Debt Cancellation

You'll need the mind of Christ to understand this highly blessed letter.

Golden Anointing Prayer Cloth

Evil Spirit of LACK

YOU'RE ABOUT TO STRIKE GOLD!

STRIKE IT RICH!

One slipper, meant to be worn as one stands atop one's Bible.

AND SATAN IS AFRAID

God has assured me you are targeted for a BREAKTHROUGH...

To date, I have received:

  • one (1) September 11 commemorative card/offering request
  • three (3) mustard seeds
  • one (1) bag of “genuine Jerusalem soil,” in which one plants the three seeds
  • two (2) dimes, new
  • one (1) square of anointing oil-soaked cloth
  • one (1) plastic medallion, emblazoned with a reflective cross sticker that says “WINNER”
  • one (1) paper slipper
  • one (1) pouch “holy water” (not pictured)

To date, I have returned:

  • $0
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This entry was written by Michael and published on March 18, 2012 at 11:38 pm. It’s filed under Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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